My Little Pony as i live and breathe.

ok big dogs gete out your paper and pens. Come along as i charitably work to educate the masses and fill in the gaps of your lackluster american education. Here lies the only guide you will ever need.

The Generations

Lets start, at the beginning: **Generation 1** (1982-1995)

these are the saddest motherfuckers in pony land. the G1 pony invites the child into a colorful yet pervasive melancholy. In this generation we are seeing downturned heads, sullen looks, emo hair swoops. While some ponies may appear to be sculpted with a smile, a brief glance into their flat, empty eyes would quickly inform you that it's just a mask. ponyland in the 80s was a time of thoughtful reflection on our past tresspasses and a close look at how the past experiences of each generation color the present zeitgeist.

Notable Pony Poses

this pose is not one that i introduce lightly. i think it is important that i issue a nsfl warning on these next few photos. My editor and i went back and forth for months over whether or not i should include such graphic, visceral imagery. but i cannot condone censorship in the realm of education. the truth is what it is and i will not rewrite history to cater to the sensibilities of todays world.

These are the "beddy bye eye ponies"

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from top to bottom we have Baby Sleepy Pie, Baby Half Note, and Baby Shady.

to those of you looking away, screaming in horror, scoffing in disgust, i say to thee: put yourself in their hoofs. It is no wonder they are beddy bye themed, sleep is their only respite from the crippling existence they endure each and every day. Count your blessings dear reader. this world is a merciless one.

G1 Honorable mentions:

First tooth baby pony

Daddy Apple Delight and his Colombian counterpart

Pearly Baby Sea Ponies (1985-1986)

born for the sea yet they yearn for the skies. these children of the lord perpetually gaze up at the heavens, their country of origin, and their final resting place.

I would sell multiple chunks of my liver for this collection and that is the gospel truth my friends.

My Little Pony: The Movie, 1986

notable characters are probably the main ponies but i only care about The Grundle King. mainly because he was voiced by Danny Devito.

devito fathered this role the very same year he was named one of People Magazines "box office boys of the summer" so it was a big year for him.

Kingsley the Lion, 1987

Here is a beautiful moment in time. I am delighted to introduce you to the first and only lion of the mlp universe. This toy was meticulously sculpted to be the plastic lion version of the famous and beloved Ken Vanderpump. This is an incredibly sought after piece of merchandise. It is rumored that Ken himself owns more than half of all Kingsley toys ever made.

Now lets get into Generation 2 (1997-2003)

this is a sad sorry tale of lackluster sales. the USA said nah we dont want your tall, slender, and whimsical ponies. not here, and not in 1997. If i had been walking this earth at the time i think things would have gone differently but i dont associate with regrets. so in 1999 hasbro moved on to europe.

Here we have morning glory and sky skimmer, both rejected by US children and parents.

these ponies featured a magical crystal in their eyes as seen up close on our friend Berry Bright (spanish name- "Shameful Pony").

THE 1st VIDDY GAME - 1998

thats right ladies and gentlement we've finally made it to 1998, the year of the release of the very first pony viddy game. released on a CD-ROM, Hasbro gifted the world with a pony raising simulator called "My Little Pony Friendship Gardens"

screenshots

so now you may be wondering: what did europe get in the years 1999-2003?

what a beautiful and insightful question.

they mainly just had some basic standard run of the mill guys. some career ponies came out, some that came in purses, some that came with beads so you could make a lil bracelet as seen below with our french gal Blueuette or "Springdy" --for those of you that only speak english.

i wanted to feature this just truly depressing "playset" if you can even call it that. "box with sticker" is a more apt name in my opinion. supposedly it came with accessories but the details and the whereabouts of such items have been lost to time.

you didnt miss much my guy. overall G2 was pretty much a snoozefest

Generation 3! (2003-2009)

here we are. the generation we have all been waiting for. its a post 9/11 world. i am 3 or 4 years old. we are starting to see why the 2000s is the last decade that anyone ever smiled. this generation feautures beautiful chonky chunk ponies in so so many gorgeous colors. My sweet summer child, there is good in the world and it is these pony dolls.

here is a really great resource to help you collect every pony and identify holes in your collection: G3 Checklist

Glitter skin, gemstone ass charms, tinsel hair. these are the gimmicks we are being gifted with. beautiful perfection that reminds each and every child that life is full of magic. Pain does not exist in ponyland. the sullen expressions are replaced with smug smiles and cheeky glances over the shoulder. these equines will never meet a single consequence in their plastic pony lives and neither will you young child. as long as you have a pony in your hand, you will have a smile on your face.

the ponies walk on rounded stubs; perfectly evolved for maximum frolicking capabilities. From left to right we have Sparkleworks, Sapphire Shores, and Rainbow swirl, all released in the year of our lord 2004.

hold onto your hats because we got birth month poniesssss!!!!!!!!1!! here are mine ofc because why would i care about any other month..

on the top is July Jubilee from 2005 featuring my birthstone the garnet. and on the bottom is July Larkspur ofc, the flower of the month of july. this pony was released in 2006. the year of my golden birthday.

these ponies are airborne my friends. you cannot keep them down you cannot hide their light under a bushel. their glitter will reflect the sun into your eyes and blind you eternally.

It is time for a confessional...

forgive me father for i have sinned

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i will come out and say it- I'm kind of a big fan of the 2008-2009 Newborn Cuties... and i want to own them

yes i understand they are objectively bizarre.. and their faces are kind of creepy, and their unnatural shapes and poses are spitting in the face of god. but like.....

there's a charm there. i look into their eyes and i see animals that want to be loved. they may never be able to show you that they are capable of emotion, but i know that it's in there. this is the kind of doll that i have a great reverence for. the kind of doll that you would adjust and smooth in a thrift store to keep the demon living inside it happy for just a bit longer.

these ponies speak to me in a language you may never be able to understand, and that is ok. one day i will have all these ponies and at night they will protect me from the hat man and whatever else may wish to harm me.

i mean come on. hes just a little guy

I have fallen prey to the demons father, and i will descend into the unholy ponyland for all eternity.